TOP STORY

Steve Backshall Stranded On Neptune

By Tammy Brown · 25 June 2026

Reports from the producers of the television series Expedition have confirmed rumours that explorer and naturalist Steve Backshall is stranded on the planet Neptune. Known for his striking work exploring uncharted territory across the globe, it comes as no surprise that Backshall’s next ambition was to be the first human to explore the immensely perilous climate of Neptune, Ice Giant and eighth planet from the sun. “We would encourage fans not to panic or speculate,” said series spokesperson Amelia Chin. “Steve is a professional. He would have the training and know-how to survive a supercritical strata of hydrogen sulfide and ammonia.” “Steve has survived perils on ice and on water, and luckily for him the composition of Neptune is an inseparable mix of both. Make no mistake, he will be able to kayak to safety.” When asked how Backshall was supposed to handle cosmic winds of up to 1300mph as he plummets through clouds of methane, Chin seemed to contemptuously huff. “Steve is a professional. He has abseiled down cliffs in Oman and navigated deep jungle in Suriname. Throughout all these trials, he has had a dedicated team of experts accompany him. You can be guaranteed that some combination of rope-work will keep him from being violently tossed about as he searches for the best place to camp.” A consummate media professional, Chin proceeded to tease us with more details of Steve’s upcoming adventures once he safely returns with the footage. “As Steve navigates the unique climate of Neptune, for make no mistake, he will, he will eventually reach a climate so pressurised and hot that methane molecules break apart. Imagine his wonder when the released carbon atoms crystallise into diamonds that rain down towards the planet’s core.” “He’ll say things like, ‘wow!’, and, ‘this is why exploration is so important!’. His shirt will be tussled and his hair sweat-sodden. His earnest smile will inspire a new generation of maniacs.” Editor of Science Weekly And/Or Monthly, Jane Hiropolis, pointed out that no suit in existence could withstand the molten, crushing pressures of Neptune’s core. “Steve is a professional,” Chin repeated slowly, as if explaining something obvious to a dim child. “A professional.” Season Three of Expedition is due in the near future.

ALSO TODAY

Andy Burnham Rewatching Game of Thrones

By Brian Clout · 22 June 2026

Andy Burnham has announced that he is rewatching HBO’s brutal political fantasy series Game of Thrones on a total whim. Admitting that he had only watched the first few seasons in the past, phrases such as “interesting!” and “that is actually a clever way of solving that,” could be heard emanating from his living room. “It really was a spur-of-the-moment decision,” he later claimed. “I just really like watching the little man do his antics. I enjoy the way he speaks.” “The show can be really thrilling. There’s an almost orgasmic release in seeing incumbent power structures being torn apart by plucky outsiders who have little more than a dream and a murderous appetite for retribution against those who ever doubted them.” “I relate to the show’s desire for a Northern Powerhouse and can only assume that this ends well for them.” Upon hearing the news that Sir Keir Starmer has resigned as Prime Minister, Andy said “that decision is serving Baratheon vibes to be perfectly honest.” “I will obviously be throwing my helm into the ring just like my man Robert Stark,” said Burnham. “I’m learning a lot about leadership from him and can see why people started to refer to me as the King of the North. We have similar jawlines.” When asked whether he anticipates other Labour aspirants joining the contest, Burnham did not appear worried. “I have no doubt my conquest of the Seven Kingdoms and the Commonwealth will not be bloodless. I imagine Littlefinger Streeting will have a go but the man couldn’t reduce waiting times at a brothel.” “Now, I’d like you to leave. I want to watch the end of this wedding episode before I have to go shower then start trying on crowns.”

Politics

Tommy Robinson Attacked By Cougars Moments Before Oxford Union Debate

By Emily Warble · 18 June 2026

In yet another blow to academic freedom of speech, far-right provocateur and political activist Tommy Robinson has been mauled by cougars moments before taking part in Wednesday’s controversial Oxford Union ‘Islam’ debate. Robinson, whose acceptance of the famous debating society’s invitation had attracted both support and outrage, was seen smiling and waving to crowds of protesters before the freak cougar assault descended from above, prompting exasperated outcry from all present. Known for their powerful forelegs and vast incisors, the cats were easily able to enter the union’s compound by leaping the wall, and seemingly chose their target at random. Anneliese Dodds, Labour MP for Oxford East, explained that this was the type of unrest that always follows a figure like Robinson. “Policing an event like this isn’t just disproportionately expensive - it also diverts resources away from essential cougar repulsion efforts across the city,” she explained. “This probably would never have happened if they had chosen someone more amenable, like Charli XCX, for the Islam debate.” Both critics and supporters of Robinson were left cold by the unexpected turn of events. “Once again, we had the chance to finally stop racism and, once again, an unexplained wildlife attack has intervened,” said Brianna Curth of Stand Up To Racism. “We came to express condemnation at how readily a prestigious society invited a known fascist to speak on a topic as vast as an entire world religion, and now find our point entirely moot. Random acts of violence like this make it less likely that we are able to express our own targeted acts of violence, and we are sorry for the missed opportunity.” “We wonder if all the noise we were making may have attracted the predators, as well as all the attention this incident has bought to Robinson’s profile and rhetoric. Whether it would have been better to let this episode to slide quietly into a non-event, we will never know.” Colin Steepler, a flag-bearing supporter of Robinson’s dressed in all-black and wearing tactical gloves, lamented events and denied coming to Oxford to stir up trouble. “This was a colossal waste of nine Carlings that could have gone towards a different daytime train journey instead.” Several businesses had to close because of the threat of unrest, losing revenue from England’s first World Cup match against Croatia, though those that stayed open reported a fresh influx of sales from prowling, snarling visitors to the historic city.

News

Starmer Announces Social Media Ban For Over-65s

By Brian Clout · 17 June 2026

Citing wide-ranging concern over safety, fraud and online radicalisation, Keir Starmer today announced new legislation banning baby boomers from accessing social media. In a recent consultation, over 85% of children said they feared that access to online social platforms had an overall negative impact on their parent’s mental health and behaviour. “Who amongst us hasn’t seen our nan comment something along the lines of ‘they should all be hanged!!!’ beneath an article about a new housing estate,” said Sir Keir. ‘How many times must we tolerate someone posting ‘orwellian. 1984’ when a car park changes its operating hours?” “Seeing that this generation continues to believe that they’re establishing a genuine romantic connection with the actual real-life Johnny Depp, seems determined to give their life savings to scammers at the behest of AI-generated videos of Nigel Farage battering some bloke on live TV, the safest thing to do is to desperately rip these accounts from their hands as though they were a toddler holding a pump-action shotgun.” Kanishka Narayan, Minister for AI and Online Safety, went even further with his comments: “When I saw my uncle post ‘Sharia law’ underneath an article about a new kebab stand on the outskirts of High Wycombe, that’s when I knew we had a serious issue.” “As the older generations are so determined to condescend to the rest of us that they were the last to play in the street, the last to get bruises on their knees, and other narcissistic cheap-shots directed at their own offspring living in the world they created, we figured it would give them a gentle boot up the arse to go outside and touch some grass.” Not everyone agrees with the government’s proposal. Linda Ayers, 68, who doesn’t believe in the efficacy of clinically-proven vaccines but insists that chemtrails made her niece transsexual, had this to say: “What is the point in cultivating a lifetime of forthright opinions based on pure speculation and tabloid fear-mongering if you can’t shove them down the throat of others online?” “I fear that if I don’t end a comment with 🤔😂🤔😂 every 45 minutes, I am going to have serious withdrawal.” The government aims to pass the law by Christmas, which you can’t even say anymore without someone getting offended, and implement the ban next spring.