IN THE NEWS
Andy Burnham Rewatching Game of Thrones
Andy Burnham has announced that he is rewatching HBO’s brutal political fantasy series Game of Thrones on a total whim. Admitting that he had only watched the first few seasons in the past, phrases such as “interesting!” and “that is actually a clever way of solving that,” could be heard emanating from his living room. “It really was a spur-of-the-moment decision,” he later claimed. “I just really like watching the little man do his antics. I enjoy the way he speaks.” “The show can be really thrilling. There’s an almost orgasmic release in seeing incumbent power structures being torn apart by plucky outsiders who have little more than a dream and a murderous appetite for retribution against those who ever doubted them.” “I relate to the show’s desire for a Northern Powerhouse and can only assume that this ends well for them.” Upon hearing the news that Sir Keir Starmer has resigned as Prime Minister, Andy said “that decision is serving Baratheon vibes to be perfectly honest.” “I will obviously be throwing my helm into the ring just like my man Robert Stark,” said Burnham. “I’m learning a lot about leadership from him and can see why people started to refer to me as the King of the North. We have similar jawlines.” When asked whether he anticipates other Labour aspirants joining the contest, Burnham did not appear worried. “I have no doubt my conquest of the Seven Kingdoms and the Commonwealth will not be bloodless. I imagine Littlefinger Streeting will have a go but the man couldn’t reduce waiting times at a brothel.” “Now, I’d like you to leave. I want to watch the end of this wedding episode before I have to go shower then start trying on crowns.”